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Bird’s nest custody (also called birdnesting or a nesting divorce arrangement) isn’t a new concept, but some parents than ever are opting for it in the hopes of mitigating the negative effects of their divorce on their children. Nesting can certainly be difficult for adults, and divorce attorneys generally advise a written nesting agreement as a powerful tool to avoid the most common nesting pitfalls. Even with an agreement, issues will likely arise, and it’s imperative to address them appropriately to preserve the arrangement and avoid it unraveling.
Birdnesting, often shortened to “nesting,” is a type of shared custody plan in which children remain in the family home while divorced parents take turns living there.
Mental health professionals who specialize in divorce are now acutely aware of how divorces affect children and how that negative impact manifests. Research shows that children of high conflict divorce may perform worse in school and may experience social anxiety and may experience other mental health disorders at a much higher rate.
Much of what children experience is due to the sheer volume of change and the stress that comes with it. Bird’s-nest custody mitigates some of that stress by keeping the children in the family home and minimizing the disruption to their lives. To share parenting time, the parents take turns living in the home and being there for the children.
Family lawyers and therapists agree that nesting divorce arrangements help maintain normalcy for children and allow for a smoother transition after separation. While statistical research on nesting is still in its relative infancy, experts agree that this approach provides children with a high level of emotional stability and demonstrates collaboration between parents, making children feel peaceful and safe.
A nesting divorce can work well for families who prioritize stability and cooperative co-parenting, but it typically requires strong communication, financial flexibility, and clearly defined expectations between both parents.
As for the children, there are still some questions about the long-term viability of nesting. Many experts agree that nesting should be short-term, but the definition of short-term depends on who you ask.
Dr. Ann Gold Buscho, who penned one of the most notable books on the topic, nested with her ex-husband and children for 18 months. It’s important to speak with a family counselor to determine a period that feels right for your family, and to implement a strategy for moving from nesting into the next phase.
Divorce lawyers warn that what is often overlooked in the children-centric discussion of nesting is just how difficult the process can be for parents. Experts advise that there are four core challenges a couple may face and need to address to preserve the nesting arrangement. These are:
Child custody attorneys typically advise against entering a bird’s nest custody arrangement without a formal, written nesting plan. Such an agreement helps avoid presumptions by forcing the couple to have difficult discussions, negotiate, and reach a settlement. Many of the issues that crop up when birdnesting stem from differences in parenting, and most of those are avoidable by recognizing those conflicts up front and addressing them.
In a relationship where the ex-spouses are prone to conflict, this kind of bird’s nest custody plan can exacerbate the underlying issues and put the parents in positions where clashes are more likely. Parental conflict is a leading cause of damage to children of divorce, and it’s imperative to shield children from unhealthy behaviors, such as criticizing one another and sniping at each other.
Co-parenting counseling can be particularly helpful when it comes to contention. It provides a safe place for the couple to have disagreements and come to resolutions in a healthy manner with the help of the mediating counselor. If counseling isn’t an option for whatever reason or the fighting persists, you may want to integrate parallel parenting techniques into your nesting arrangement.
One of the core challenges of many co-parenting approaches is ensuring that each parent has all the relevant information needed, and family law attorneys warn against withholding parenting information in order to avoid contact or cooperation.
A lack of communication will undermine the bird’s nest custody arrangement and may even negatively affect the children’s medical care, schooling, social activities, and so forth.
Your nesting agreement should specify how and when you will exchange information, whether through a co-parenting journal or a weekly sit-down. The nesting plan should cover everything, and your family lawyer can assist with that. That includes diet, bedtime, hygiene, school activities, and other important matters.
If the problem persists and counseling isn’t an option, then it’s time to speak with your lawyer and to consider that nesting may not be a viable option for your family.
Another challenge of a bird’s-nest custody arrangement from the parents’ perspective is maintaining the family home. Each parent will live in different homes and will need to spread their belongings across those spaces. There may be personal property that one parent wants to take with them. You may also experience issues with snooping and the removal of documents needed for the divorce proceedings.
Experts recommend that everything remain in the home until you’ve reached formal agreements concerning personal property. If you do not already have personal spaces in the home, you should create them. Each space is for that parent alone and is not to be violated by the other parent. You should also password-protect computers, accounts, and any other resources that may expose sensitive information.
New relationships are another reason divorce lawyers strongly recommend written co-parenting agreements. If one of the ex-spouses begins dating soon after the divorce and brings that new person into the family home, the other parent is likely to feel violated, and it may confuse the children as well.
Most divorce therapists agree that you should wait nine to 12 months after your divorce has been finalized before introducing your child to a new significant other. Nesting experts recommend agreeing that neither ex-spouse brings a new love interest into the family home.
If, after a year, both parents want to continue with the nesting arrangement, then you can come to a new agreement on how to deal with dating and add it to your revised written agreement.
If you are getting divorced and are interested in bird’s nest custody to make this process easier on your children, Lawrence Law would like to help. Our New Jersey law firm has handled many types of divorce cases, including amicable cases involving mediation and co-parenting agreements, as well as more contentious cases.
Meet with one of our family law attorneys to answer your questions and explore your options. You can schedule an appointment at either our Red Bank or Watchung office by calling us at 908-645-1000 or by contacting us online.
A nesting divorce, also called birdnesting or bird’s nest custody, is a co-parenting arrangement where the children remain in the family home while the parents rotate in and out based on a custody schedule. Instead of the children moving between two separate homes, the parents are the ones who alternate residences.
Many therapists believe nesting divorce arrangements can reduce stress and provide stability for children during and after divorce.
Many family law attorneys and therapists recommend that a nesting divorce arrangement be temporary. The ideal timeline depends on the family’s financial situation, communication style, and the emotional needs of the children. Some families transition after a few months, while others continue nesting for a year or longer.
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