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Divorce can feel like your life has hit a roadblock, but it’s possible to navigate this challenging time with grace. Get expert tips on coping with an unexpected split and rebuilding your life.
Many divorces start with one spouse blindsiding the other with the news that they want to split. If you are receiving that news, it can feel like your life as you know it has come to a screeching halt. An impending divorce is hard to process, with all of the swirling emotions and uncertainty about what comes next—since the person you expected to spend your life with has suddenly decided to end your relationship and go in a new direction.
We are here to help, with solid tips for navigating the emotional rollercoaster and uncertainty that comes with a marriage ending.
When you’re facing a divorce, it is very easy to feel alone in your situation – so here is a picture of how divorce looks In America. More than half of all marriages end in divorce, and that number is even higher for second and third marriages. For first marriages, the average length of the union before divorce is eight years.
Why do people get divorced? Well, 75% of people said a lack of commitment was the reason for their split. Following that, here are the other most common reasons people say they’re divorcing:
New Jersey classifies divorces as no-fault, with irreconcilable differences being the primary basis. However, there are other grounds for divorce, such as extreme cruelty, adultery, desertion, separation, voluntary addiction to illicit substances or habitual drunkenness, institutionalization for mental illness, or imprisonment.
How long do divorces take and cost? There are two people that determine how long a divorce takes and those are the people going through the divorce. As soon as you reach an agreement, you can be divorced shortly thereafter. Reaching the agreement is the key in determining the length of the divorce. In general, divorces take up to a year or longer to finalize, but more straightforward legal dissolutions can be completed in three months. A couple can expect to spend an average of $7,000 to divorce if they reach an immediate agreement amicably and without litigation.
While divorce is a legal end to a marriage, about 6% of divorced couples decide to remarry each other—with nearly three-quarters (72%) of them staying together after their new marriage.
If you are facing a divorce, try to engage in self-care and prepare as best you can for the future with these tips.
1. It’s OK to have all the feelings.
Your scenario: Every day feels like an emotional rollercoaster. You swing between overwhelming sadness, seething anger, bone-deep exhaustion and utter confusion. The intensity of these feelings and the fear of the future unknown leaves you breathless. Even if you are living in a toxic marriage, stepping into the unfamiliar can feel like walking a tightrope without a safety net.
How to deal: Sometimes, the easiest way to handle a flood of cascading emotions is to accept that they are a normal reaction to your situation. It’s common to experience lots of intense emotions throughout your journey, since thinking about the future unknowns can also spark anxiety.
2. Give yourself some TLC.
Your scenario: You are drowning in the daily struggles of weathering a divorce, barely keeping your head above water. Being kind and understanding to yourself feels like a foreign concept, especially when you’re trying to do everything, from showing up to work to showing up for your kids.
How to deal: Did you know that people who treat themselves with compassion can handle daily divorce struggles that those who don’t? Consider how you’d treat a distraught friend going through a split. That’s why giving yourself a dose of understanding and care will help calm your fraying nerves.
3. Give yourself a break. For real.
Your scenario: The world feels heavier than ever, and the pressure to maintain your usual level of productivity is crushing. Hearing the morning alarm clock jolt you out of a sound sleep to realize that you have got another crushing 16 hours ahead of you can be overwhelming—when you are trying to be everything to everyone.
How to deal: Acknowledging that it is sometimes OK to function at a lower level than usual or to say “no” to requests or invitations can help you realize that you do not need to be Superman or Superwoman. Pencil in downtime on your calendar to take a walk, bath, read, or do something that brings you peace.
4. You do not need to go this road alone.
Your scenario: You are going through a divorce and feeling very lonely. Friends and family have encouraged you to “reach out” if you need a shoulder to cry on. Instead, you have isolated yourself because you do not want to burden anyone with your tears or feel they won’t understand what you’re experiencing.
How to deal: Sharing your feelings with trusted loved ones, joining a support group where you can talk to others, or working with a qualified therapist can feel like a lifeline, reminding you that you are not alone in what seems like an uphill battle. Isolating yourself can jack up your stress levels and negatively impact your work, relationships, and health. Trust us, you do not have to do this alone.
But, one word of caution: Resist the temptation to overstate with “everyone” so they don’t all start weighing in on our situation. On social media, it is best to refrain from expressing your deepest emotions publicly, particularly during a divorce, as your ex can try to use any online content against you.
5. Take stock of your financial situation.
Your scenario: You are knee-deep in divorce proceedings, and the financial aspects are like a tangled web suffocating you. Amidst this chaos, you realize how important it is to manage your finances and gather necessary documents, from your marriage certificate to credit card statements, vehicle titles, bank accounts, stock portfolios, and tax records.
How to deal: If you are going through a divorce, you’ll face an equitable division of your assets and debts. That’s why the more information you can access, the better it’ll be for your attorney to fight for your rights. Taking time to gather these items can feel empowering as you start negotiations.
6. Take care of your physical and emotional health.
Your scenario: The emotional turmoil is wreaking havoc on your body and mind. You are trying to prioritize self-care by exercising, eating well, and relaxing, but some days, even getting out of bed feels impossible.
How to deal: If you are not doing the basics like eating right, taking some time to meditate or exercise, and getting enough rest, it’s time to start. Doing so will help keep your stress levels down and put you in a better frame of mind to make crucial decisions.
7. Avoid escalating arguments with your spouse.
Your scenario: You might feel like every conversation with your spouse is like walking through a minefield—and you never know when the talk will blow up into a significant argument.
How to deal: The bottom line? The only person you can control in these situations is yourself. Try to resolve to step back when tensions rise and revisit the topic later, even if every fiber of your being tells you to lash out and defend yourself.
8. Give yourself time to say goodbye.
Your scenario: No matter your circumstances, if you’re going through a divorce, you’re saying farewell to a big part of your life—the good and bad. This feels like a constant ache when you’re reminded of future plans that won’t come to pass with that person or when you see an object in your home that brings back memories.
How to deal: Be open to the idea of closure, understanding that it is a necessary step toward healing, even if it is painful. Some couples meet to discuss their past and separate futures if the split is amicable. If not, working through your complicated feelings with a therapist or trusted clergyperson is a good idea.
9. Explore amicable resolution options.
Your scenario: You are overwhelmed by the time, energy, and expenses of a court battle with your ex. Your kids are uneasy since they have picked up on your anxiety levels. (In fact, when kids get exposed to parental conflict, they have a higher risk of psychological and social issues.)
How to deal: You and your ex can make a conscious effort to maintain a positive atmosphere, especially for the sake of your children. You are hoping to minimize conflict and create a more peaceful transition by seeking alternatives like mediation to traditional litigation.
Mediation can be an effective solution for most couples because it allows them to make decisions and create solutions outside of what a traditional court litigation situation would offer. At Lawrence Law, we have a proven track record of successfully resolving cases through court-ordered or private mediation processes.
It’s always better to settle your case outside of court since you can control and dictate the terms of your agreement. You both agree to work together to divide your assets and debts and to create a parenting plan that puts your children’s needs first. The process is complex, and there are moments of tension and disagreement, but you both remain committed to finding a peaceful resolution.
Mediation can be a quick and cost-effective way to resolve disputes. If your matter is straightforward, reaching an agreement may only take one session. However, in most cases, two or three sessions lasting two to three hours each are needed to resolve complex issues. You can choose to extend the sessions if you need more time. Mediation is generally less expensive than litigation due to its faster and more straightforward process.
Whether or not the kids are living primarily with you while navigating divorce proceedings, stay in frequent and open communication with them about what is happening to your family structure. Talking to your kids about divorce is challenging but crucial. Grab these seven quick tips to help you navigate these conversations:
1. Be honest and age-appropriate: Explain the situation in a truthful and understandable way based on their age and maturity level.
2. Assure them it’s not their fault: Tell your children that the divorce is between you and your co-parent, and not caused by anything they did or didn’t do. Listen to what they say in response, and be kind and direct so they feel that you hear and respect them.
3. Encourage them to express their feelings: Let them know it is okay to feel sad, angry or confused, and encourage them to express their emotions.
4. Maintain your routines: Try to keep your daily life as consistent as possible to provide a sense of consistency during this time of change.
5. Maintain consistent rules with your co-parent: If you and your ex are living separately, agree on general rules, bedtimes, curfews and consequences, so your kids don’t experience completely different rules at each house.
6. Listen actively and provide support: Be there to listen to their concerns and offer support. Let them know you’re there for them no matter what.
7. Don’t badmouth your ex. On the flip side, do not turn your kids into your confidants, spilling your guts over every aspect of the divorce or your feelings about their co-parent. Similarly, do not use them to spy on your ex or be a go-between for snarky messages—you do not want them to take sides in a battle that’s not theirs.
These conversations can be challenging, so consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor to help guide you and your children through this process.
For most people, divorce is a massive upset to their status quo. You are no longer coupled up. You might be looking at selling the family home, moving to a new spot, or starting a different career to support yourself. If you have kids or pets, you’ll most likely not live with them full-time anymore. Plus, your kids are going through emotional turmoil since they’re facing significant changes, too. Take some time to yourself, and communicate with your ex-spouse and kids about how you will handle your new family dynamic.
One final note when thinking about your future: Marriage counseling can be a lifeline for couples facing challenges in their relationship who need help getting back on track. A skilled therapist or clergyperson can help couples identify unhealthy patterns, understand each other’s perspectives, and develop effective conflict-resolution strategies. By working with a counselor, couples can gain insight into the underlying issues contributing to their difficulties and learn new ways to navigate them. Ultimately, marriage counseling can empower you and your spouse to rebuild trust, enhance intimacy, and create a more fulfilling partnership—after coming back from the brink of divorce.
Divorce is a complicated and emotional process that nobody should have to go through alone. At Lawrence Law, we understand this. Whether your divorce is being litigated in court or settled through mediation, it’s essential to have a skilled New Jersey divorce lawyer who puts your family’s interests first.
Fortunately, you’re in the right place! Lawrence Law proudly handles cases for our clients throughout New Jersey.
Call (908) 645-1000 to schedule a consultation or fill out our confidential contact form. Our offices are conveniently located in Watchung and Red Bank, NJ. If you need assistance with child custody or parenting time issues, don’t hesitate to contact us today.
The articles on this blog are for informative purposes only and are no substitute for legal advice or an attorney-client relationship. If you’re seeking legal advice, please get in touch with our law firm directly.
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