The Dos and Don'ts of Parenting Time

The Dos and Don’ts of Parenting Time: Co-Parenting Guide for New Parents

One of the most challenging aspects of divorce is maintaining a civil co-parenting relationship with your ex. Tensions often still run high after the split has been finalized, and you can unwittingly harm your kids’ well-being when parenting time issues arise. Whether you are new to co-parenting or have been doing it for a while, it is important to be aware of the most common parenting time mistakes and how to avoid or resolve them.

How Co-Parenting Disagreements Affect Your Kids

When co-parents are involved in a conflict over parenting times, they often get caught up in disagreements and sometimes forget how the situation affects their kids. Here are five ways parenting time discord can affect your children.

1. They feel emotionally stressed out.

Even if you think this is not happening, kids often sense the weight of a fight between you and your co-parent, even if they are not involved. They may internalize their feelings, leading to sadness, worry, or guilt. Sometimes, they might feel pressure to take sides or act as a go-between, even if you have not asked them to do so. This emotional stress can erode their confidence, grades, and relationships.

2. They are subjected to inconsistent schedules.

If you and your co-parent do not agree on a schedule, rules, or expectations, your kids will not benefit from consistent routines. When you have one bedtime or disciplinary approach in your home and another in your co-parents, you confuse your children, so they will not know how to behave. This unstructured approach destroys their sense of security and can make it even harder to transition between households.

3. They suffer from poor communication.

When you and your co-parent do not communicate well, your children will experience missed pick-ups or forgotten school events that make them feel unimportant. Since you will also be stressed about miscommunications, your children will likely hear arguments or negative comments, adding to their stress.

4. Your relationship with your kids might weaken.

If you or your co-parent badmouth the other or try to use a child as a messenger, you can erode your relationship with them. You force your child to feel confused, torn, or alienated from the other parent. If you do not resolve this situation, you can cause longer-term damage like lower self-esteem or difficulty trusting others.

5. You may act as a poor role model.

Children learn to communicate and work through conflicts by watching their parents and guardians. If you and your co-parent fight often or display passive-aggressive behaviors, your children can learn to lash out or avoid confrontations. Over time, your children can mimic these patterns in their relationships.

10 Common Parenting Time Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

It is always a good time to assess your co-parenting relationship and see if there is room for improvement so that you can provide your children with a safe, nurturing environment. Check out our clients’ top 10 parenting mistakes and the best ways to resolve them.

Mistake #1: Failing to Communicate Effectively
Poor or inconsistent communication can lead to misunderstandings, missed pickups, or scheduling conflicts. Imagine how your child feels if you are late to pick them up from school or your co-parent forgets to attend their game or school play. What can seem like schedule blips to adults can seriously erode your children’s sense of stability, especially if they are still coping with the effects of your divorce.

The Solution: The easiest way to stay on the same page is to use a shared online calendar or co-parenting app to keep track of schedules and important events. To avoid confusion, regularly check in and confirm plans with your co-parent. Share your weekly schedules with your kids so they can stay in the loop and know what to expect.

Mistake #2: Using Your Child as a Messenger
Putting your children in an uncomfortable position to deliver messages or act as intermediaries between co-parents can put them in an awkward position that could cause undue stress. If you are trying to send your co-parent a message via your child, stop and remember that you are the adult and must model good communication.

The Solution: Set a ground rule with your other parent to always communicate directly with each other through texts, calls, or emails. Keep your interactions child-focused and respectful. If you are at an impasse with parenting time issues, talk to your attorney or mediator to see how best to move the conversation forward.

Mistake #3: Failing to Follow the Custody Agreement
One of the most frustrating challenges we see is when one co-parent changes the agreed-upon parenting time schedule without consulting the other parent, leading to conflicts and resentment.

The Solution: If a co-parent in New Jersey is not following the agreed-upon parenting time arrangement, the other parent should open communication with the other parent to see if the issue can be resolved amicably.

If not, document the non-compliance, including dates, times, and specific violations, as this evidence may be necessary later. The compliant parent can file a motion with the family court to enforce the agreement. The court may impose remedies such as make-up parenting time, modifications to the agreement, or, in severe cases, penalties for the non-compliant parent. We recommend contacting your attorney at Lawrence Law for legal guidance before taking action.

Mistake #4: Neglecting to Address Holidays or Special Events
Not defining who will spend holidays, birthdays, and other important events with the child in your parenting time schedule can cause confusion and disappointment for everyone.

The Solution: Parenting time schedules can be tailored in various ways to meet your child’s best interests, as determined by the court or the parents. For example, one parent might have alternate weekends with the child while the other is the primary physical custodian. Sometimes, the parent with weekend parenting time has weekday evenings one or two nights a week. Other arrangements include joint physical custody, where each parent has the child for seven consecutive days on an alternating schedule.

While hammering out these arrangements, take stock of the upcoming year’s holidays, special events, and vacations. Discuss and decide on a rotating or equal schedule that ensures fairness for both parents and allows your kids to spend time with both of you.

Mistake #5: Not Being Flexible
Sticking rigidly to a schedule without considering the other parent’s needs or unexpected changes can create unnecessary tension for your entire family.

The Solution: While you and your co-parent need to respect and follow your agreed-upon parenting time agreement, you must also leave room for flexibility in the parenting plan. Be open to adjustments and willing to make temporary changes to improve your child’s well-being or accommodate each other’s commitments. Flexibility and creativity are key to developing schedules that ensure parents have meaningful access to their children while prioritizing their child’s well-being.

Mistake #6: Badmouthing the Other Parent
Speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your child can damage their relationship with both parents and cause emotional distress. While you may not set out to do this, conflicts can cause emotions to run high, and you may find yourself venting about your ex in front of your kids. This can stress your kids out, and they may feel forced to take sides or comfort you.

The Solution: This may be where you need to give yourself a daily reminder during conflict: Keep any disagreements or frustrations away from your child. Speak respectfully about your child’s other parent, especially when the child is present, and model positive co-parenting behavior.

Mistake #7: Not Prioritizing Your Child’s Needs
Focusing too much on personal preferences or schedules without considering how changes affect the child’s routine can create instability. For example, if you add an early morning gym routine requiring your child to wake up an hour earlier or attend before-care at school, weigh the pros and cons – and discuss a change with your child – before implementing. If your co-parent makes a change that negatively affects your child, you might be tempted to attack your ex before trying to resolve the issue, which causes additional stress for your kids.

The Solution: Always prioritize your child’s well-being. Be mindful of how adjustments in parenting time will impact the child’s emotional and physical needs. If you and your co-parent set ground rules for parenting time changes, such as discussing any potential changes with each other and then your kids, you can avoid springing an unexpected schedule or routine switch on your kids.

Mistake #8: Overlooking How Important Consistency Is for Kids
After your children have experienced the breakup of their family, inconsistent routines, such as last-minute changes or lack of structure, can be very disruptive for the child as they move forward with a new family dynamic.

The Solution: Aim to keep a consistent routine across households, including sleep schedules, meals, and discipline. Work together to maintain similar rules and expectations at both homes. If you are having trouble communicating with your co-parent, sharing Google documents or email can help you create the same schedule for both homes without conflict. Consider contacting your attorney or a mediator if you cannot overcome conflict while creating an agreed-upon routine for both houses.

Mistake #9: Fighting During Pick-Ups and Drop-Offs
If former spouses continue to argue or fight during child pick-up and drop-off, it can create a tense and uncomfortable environment for both the child and parents.

The Solution: To minimize conflict, you and your co-parent can arrange curbside exchanges where neither parent enters the other’s property. Alternatively, you can designate neutral locations such as the children’s school or a police station for pick-up and drop-off. Sometimes, parents may agree to use a third party to facilitate the exchange or meet at a third party’s residence. These strategies help reduce conflict and ensure the child’s well-being during the transition between homes.

Mistake #10: Issues Arising From Living With a New Partner
If your ex-spouse is now living with another person, it may raise concerns for you about the impact of the new partner on your child during parenting time.

The Solution: A court can modify parenting time in certain situations, including imposing restrictions that prevent a new companion from spending the night when the children are present. However, such restrictions are typically only granted in limited circumstances, considering factors such as the child’s age, the duration of the parents’ separation, the length of the new relationship, whether the child has met the new person and any potential emotional or psychological effects on the child. Discussing your concerns with your ex or attorney is a good idea to decide whether to take legal steps.

Creating a Parenting Time Plan Focused On Your Kids With Your Attorney’s Help

Separation or divorce can be tough on families, especially when it comes to maintaining a strong bond with your kids. At Lawrence Law, we understand how important it is for children to have meaningful time with both parents and a stable routine that supports their well-being.

Whether creating your first parenting time plan or updating an existing one, our child custody lawyers will work with you to create one tailored to your family’s needs. This plan outlines a clear schedule for when the children will be with each parent and ensures you have a say in important decisions about their education, healthcare, religious upbringing, and financial support.

Custody arrangements can be changed, but it requires a formal application to the court and proof of significant changes in circumstances that impact the child’s best interests. However, parents can also agree to modify the arrangement without court involvement if both parties consent.

Parenting time schedules in New Jersey are flexible and designed with the child’s best interests in mind. Common arrangements include alternating weekends with weekday visits or joint physical custody with parents alternating weeks. Parents are encouraged to collaborate on a schedule that balances equal access with the child’s needs for stability and routine.

We encourage open communication and compromise to make co-parenting smoother for everyone involved. But if cooperation is impossible, and your co-parent is not following agreements, the family law attorneys at Lawrence Law are ready to step in and advocate for you in court to protect your children’s best interests.

Resolve Parenting Time Challenges With Lawrence Law’s Attorneys

Navigating parenting time issues during a divorce can be overwhelming, but Lawrence Law’s experienced attorneys are here to help you find solutions that work for your family. From creating fair parenting schedules to addressing conflicts, we provide the legal support you need to ensure your parental rights are protected, and your children’s best interests are prioritized.

If you are facing challenges such as disputes over custody arrangements, enforcing agreements, or modifying existing parenting plans, contact our attorneys for guidance and peace of mind.

Call us at (908) 645-1000 to schedule your initial consultation or complete our confidential contact form. With offices conveniently located in Watchung and Red Bank, NJ, Lawrence Law is ready to assist families across New Jersey. Take the first step toward resolving your parenting time concerns today.

The articles on this blog are for informative purposes only and are no substitute for legal advice or an attorney-client relationship. If you are seeking legal advice, please contact our law firm directly.